The Dog Park Regular
The self-crowned mayor of the dog park, ruling a kingdom that never elected him.
Opinions About Leash Etiquette
You have arrived at the dog park in your role — the one you were never officially assigned but have fully claimed anyway. You know which gate sticks. You know the rule about the small-dog side versus the big-dog side, and you will explain it, unprompted, to anyone holding a retractable leash the wrong way. This is order, self-installed, and the park runs a little smoother because you showed up wanting it to.
The Emperor's gift is structure — the willingness to hold a boundary when nobody else will, to be the one who says "actually, that's not okay" while everyone else pretends not to notice the off-leash chaos causing a scene. Wear the authority today. Someone has to, and you already do it better than most.
what may cross your path
- You correct a stranger's leash technique before you've even said hello.
- You know the names of six dogs at the park and zero of their owners.
- Someone asks you, unprompted, "is it safe to let him off leash here?" and you have a whole answer ready.
- You notice the gate latch is loose again and mention it to literally everyone who walks in.
I hold the standard because someone should.
Ignored for Eleven Minutes
His dog has been ignoring him for eleven minutes now — full sprint laps with a golden retriever three times his size, not a glance back, not a single response to his name being called with increasing, public-facing edge. The Emperor's whole authority runs on being obeyed, and out here, past the gate, there is no throne. There's just a guy yelling into a field that does not care.
This is what happens when the rules you set at home meet a world with its own agenda. It's not a failure of leadership — it's a reminder that some kingdoms were never really yours to rule. Let him have his lap. He'll come back when the other dog gets tired, and your authority will still be there waiting.
what may cross your path
- You call his name three times with escalating volume and zero effect.
- A stranger's dog listens to your dog better than your dog listens to you.
- You resort to the high, embarrassing "who wants a treat" voice in public.
- You watch him choose a squirrel, a smell, a puddle — anything — over you, repeatedly.
My rules still stand even when he's not currently following them.